God's Clarity through an ADHD Brain

I am a Service Employee

2009-08-15T18:30:00.001-07:00

What does the Lord your God ask of you but to fear the Lord your God, to walk in all his ways, to love him, to serve the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul, and to observe the Lord's commands and decrees. Deuteronomy 10:12,13

I have been in my current job for nearly 24 years under union contract with Service Employees International. As a licensed Pharmacy Technician, the "service" which I provide while performing my job is beneficial to those who receive the medications which I help to prepare under a licensed Pharmacist's supervision.

Due to the sad state of our country's economy, there continues to be an increasing amount of hardships people are facing throughout the United States. We have seen businesses close their doors for good, large corporations have called it quits, and we have seen far too many people lose their jobs. Without an income, the domino effect continues and many have lost their vehicles to repossession, and some have lost their homes to forclosure. Very few can claim complete immunity from the effects of the sad state of our nation's economy. The very city in which I am employed recently ranked number ONE in having the most housing forclosures in the entire nation!

Unfortunately four days ago, the fear of these economic uncertainties hit closer to home for me and my "family" of numerous co-workers when our very own employer began issuing region-wide notices for job layoffs as well. You see, even the nation's largest HMO (Health Maintenance Organization) isn't immune. Fears regarding the future became anxiety producing, even in this long time service employee. 'Will I still be employed in the future?' 'For how many more years will I be able to "serve"?' 'What should I do?' 'Should I consider the severance package?' 'How shall I prepare for the unknown?' 'What if....?'

I can easily become confused and start to panic while losing perspective but Moses makes it clear here. In a basic explaination of what God expects from us, we are to (1) Fear God, in other words, have respect for him. (2) Walk in all his ways by following him. (3) Love him. (4) Serve him with all my heart and soul. (5) Observe his commands.

I don't have the right answers. Only God knows the certainty of our future and God wants me to put my faith and trust in him and only him, and God wants me to continue to give my absolute best in my abilities of providing the best service that I am able. Putting all fear of job layoffs aside, while under the sterile compounding hood each day, I will continue to pray for blessings over each and every i.v. medication I prepare -- making each i.v. order with tender loving prayer. I will continue to pray for each patient specifically, and for their families. And I will continue to pray for the nursing staff and medical doctors who serve those patients as well.

Dear Jesus, I thank you for your constant love, for hearing my prayers, and for keeping my mind focused & my hands steady while I am at work preparing the i.v. orders. Only you know what the future has in store for all of us Service Employees who are facing potential job layoffs. Whatever happens, help me to accept it as Your Will. In the meantime I am truly honored to be YOUR Service Employee. I have a new understanding for what that means now! Thank you for all of my many blessings, and I ask for your blessings upon my co-workers who provide service right along with me! Thank you Jesus! Amen.

Number One Songs!

2009-03-25T00:40:00.000-07:00

New songs sometimes become big hits and they make the Top 40 on the music charts. Sometimes the song moves into a better position and can make the Top 10! Sometimes if the song is a REALLY big hit it can become the #1 song and it might even remain in that #1 position for weeks or even months on end!

Sometimes when I am feeling low, I listen to Christian music and that lifts my spirits and makes me feel a whole lot better. Unfortunately more often than not, I forget to rely on those uplifting Christian songs! How silly is that!

So I will make it a habit and I will sing to the Lord for he is highly exalted....The Lord is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation. He is my God and I will praise him, my Father's God and I will exalt him. Exodus 15:1-2

Dear Jesus, this 'hit' will always be #1 with me and will remain in my heart always!

The Driver's Seat

2009-03-14T09:53:00.000-07:00

Psalm 56:3 When I am afraid, I will trust in you.

Soon after we married, my husband and I realized that if he is behind the steering wheel we often end up in silence in our travels together. My backseat driving eventually pushes Tom's patience beyond his limits. And Tom is a very patient man!

"Watch out!" is what spews from my lips as I brace my hand against the car door. I gasp in fear as I press my foot against the floorboard. I lean towards the center of the car in my perception of his getting too close to the edge of the road or the vehicle in the next lane as Tom passes them up. "How fast are you going?" I question, as I lean to check the speedometer. I have clenched my shirt while gasping for air and claimed to have "nearly had a heart attack." My fears cause me to want to have control. It goes unspoken, it's best if I take the driver's seat when we travel.

I allowed Tom to take the driver's seat with no hesitation on a recent getaway trip to San Francisco. I was suffering in a deep emotional depression and didn't have the desire to be in control. As I sat in the dark of night and the darkness in my mind while in the passenger's seat, Jesus had me realize something.

Jesus wanted me to know that my life could be less fearful but the choice is mine to make. It's all about control. With certainty, there will be fearful situations in life from time to time. (mental illness can cause tons of fear in itself!) But Jesus had me question myself "do you trust?" I was trusting Tom to take the wheel for a change. (And he didn't crash!)

Many things are not within my control and my attempts at trying to maintain control only proves to be frustrating. (If not for me, then those around me!) Jesus wanted me to know when to say enough, trust, and give control over to Him.

How easy is it for you to give up control?

Dear Jesus, please help me to be less controlling. I want to place my trust in you and be less fearful. Amen.

Comfort Food

2009-01-14T00:10:00.000-08:00

Sometimes when I'm really sad or really frustrated I buy my favorite comfort foods to indulge in. I have a variety of favorite snacks I enjoyed as a child and I remember eating them with my mom! -- Bugles, Chicken in a Bisket, Fiddle Faddle, Cheez-Its, Ruffles or Lays potato chips eaten along with a homemade ice-cream soda, Shrimp Chips, Animal Cookies (the ones in the small box with a string-handle) and individual ice cream cups eaten with that wooden stick/spoon. And these are just a few of my comfort foods!

Sad to admit but sometimes "I really NEED a drink" and sometimes I will have a soda with Rum or some orange juice with Vodka. Junk food and/or alcohol is comforting to my mind and tummy for the moments but instead of leaning on these methods of comfort alone, I need to remember the comfort which Jesus has to offer my soul.......

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles.... 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

Turning to God for my comfort is better for my health too! I indulged in an assortment of comfort food over the past 11 months and I've gained 10 pounds because of it! Yikes!

Making Sense

2008-12-13T16:11:00.000-08:00

It's been quite a long time since I last posted anything to this Blog. Not that I haven't been "wondering why" because that's just a given fact with an ADHD brain like mine.

Sometimes I wish my ADHD brain had an on/off switch, or a dimmer switch, so the thoughts could be "turned off" or at least "dimmed." "You think too much" is what people have repeatedly told me over the years. Ha! Like I can help it! God knit me in my mother's womb with this ADHD brain on purpose?! Ugh!

In "wondering" so hard & so deeply about a variety of things over the past several months, I haven't had much clairty through the many thoughts which whiz by at lightning speed in this ADHD brain. Until this morning that is........

In my recent frustrations and questioning the many thoughts conjured up in my ADHD brain, and from the deep sorrow & hurt I've experienced lately, and the many moments of "wondering why," the clairty was finally evident this morning when God led me to find the following.....

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. ~ Proverbs 3:5

Duh! How silly of me! How can I expect to understand everything? Some things just don't have any explanation! Only GOD knows everything. I need to remind myself of that fact from time to time when there just isn't any answer to be understood in my "wondering why."

Thank you God, for giving me this bit of clarity today!

Stalked and Preyed Upon

2008-08-03T01:40:00.000-07:00

Since returning from the amazing week in Tahoe that we had, God has only sent me one messenger from His nature and it only made its presence just the other day.

I had been waiting for some sort of message from God but hadn't received any. I was beginning to get frustrated. None of my messenger friends were to be seen. No squirrels, no hummingbirds, no cotton-tailed bunny, no joyous singing from my late night songbird. And to top it off, I have yet to see my hawk friend who regularly sits on the wires along the same stretch of rural road which I drive daily, often more than once.

It occurred to me during my therapy appointment that God wanted me to realize that Jesus is ALWAYS with me. I think He wanted me to know in a tangible way that my "messenger friends" may come and go but Jesus never leaves me.

On the same day that God allowed me to finally "get this," He sent me a messenger from His nature but this time it was a vulture! A vulture is rapacious or predatory and lives on it's prey. My hawk friend reminds me that Jesus is always protecting me and is keeping his eye on me like a hawk. God wanted me to understand that Satan is also with me but in a predatory way, which is why God sent this stalking vulture messenger so I would make this connection in order to "get it."

So in searching for the actual message that God wanted me to know, He led me to
2 Corinthians 4:16-18 which explains.....Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

My messenger friends from God's nature purposely disappeared for awhile because I am not to fix my eyes on what is seen because they are temporary. But what is unseen is eternal.

Thank God for the things he does, and the timing in which he does it. He is absolutely amazing!

3 Certainties - I Finally "Get It"

2008-07-16T16:00:00.000-07:00

Note: This is a really long blog which took many hours over a two day span to compose. God wanted to make sure I understood the significance before sharing it. Grab a cup of coffee or a Diet Wild Cherry Pepsi (my favorite) and enjoy......

While searching my Bible for what God wanted me to "get" during the earlier blog about our dog Angel, God also led me to a very important message he wanted me to understand.

In John Chapter 14 Jesus comforts his Disciples by explaining to them that he is going to His Father's House (heaven) to prepare a place for them. He said He will come back for them. He told them they know the place where he is going......

"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. In my Father's house (heaven) there are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the place where I am going." - John 14:1-4

But Thomas doubted they would know the way since they didn't even know where Jesus was going. Philip wanted proof and said it would be proof enough if they could just be shown the Father. (That would be me, the skeptical one.)

Thomas said to him, "Lord, we don't know where you are going, so how can we know the way?"

Jesus answered, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. If you really knew me, you would know my Father as well. From now on, you do know him, and have seen him."

Philip said "Lord, show us the Father and that will be enough for us."

Jesus answered: "Don't you know me, Philip, even after I have been among you such a long time? Anyone who has seen me has seen the Father. How can you say 'show us the Father'? Don't you believe that I am in the Father, and that the Father is in me? The words I say to you are not just my own. Rather, it is the Father, living in me, who is doing his work. Believe me when I say that I am in the Father and the Father is in me; or at least believe on the evidence of the miracles themselves. - John 14:5-11

Jesus was explaining 3 Certainties: He is 1) God the Father and also 2) Jesus, the son of God. Jesus in human form was explaining that it was God who was in him, and God was doing his work through him.

So in having a hard time understanding or believing in someone I cannot see (Jesus), God led me to read John 14:11 Jesus said Believe me when I say that I am in the Father and the Father is in me; or at least believe on the evidence of the miracles themselves. Being the skeptical questioning one, God knows I need tangible proof of things.

I for one, have seen evidence of many of His miracles in my life. I can attest to that. At first they seemed like "coincidences" but as more and more "coincidences" started happening in my life I began to view them as "freaky" due to my skepticism.

After many tangible ways of experiencing those "freaky" incidences in my life, (which most are journaled by the way) I can honestly say because of my "transparently following Jesus" there is no doubt that miracles DO happen. God knows what to do, how to do it, and when to do it, in order for me to "get it."

So in the attempt to fulfill the "purpose" God called us to do while here on earth, it is our choice to serve as Jesus was doing. We are to obey even though we might not understand or see what the "big picture" is. But if we respond with complete faith and with complete trust and ask with sincerety by prayer in His name, (not half-heartedly) He will do anything we ask in order to bring glory to God the Father.

I tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing. He will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father. And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Son may bring glory to the Father. You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it." -John 14:12-14

In my worrisome way of wondering, I have questioned how on earth am I to do as Jesus did? But along with the 1st and 2nd Certainties, in John 14:15-20 Jesus Promises the 3rd Certainty, 3) the Holy Spirit as it is explained.....

"If you love me, you will obey what I command. And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Counselor to be with you forever -- the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. But you know him, for he lives with you and will be in you. I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. Before long, the world will not see me anymore, but you will see me. Because I live, you also will live. On that day you will realize that I am in my Father, and you are in me, and I am in you.

The Holy Spirit is the third certainty and it is by the Holy Spirit living within us and guiding us that we can do amazing things for our Lord. This takes the pressure off of me in wondering how on earth am I going to be able to serve? A depressive ADHD "me" of all people. The timing and the place is not up to me though. I am to keep myself aligned with God's Will and in my obedience he will use me to fulfill the purpose he knit me in my mom's womb with long ago!

How wonderful it is that in this same Chapter which God led me to read, the hardest but most important question for me to "get" was also answered...

The most difficult thing for me to "get" has been knowing and believing the love Jesus has for me, especially when I often feel unlovable. Pastor Ellen and I have gone over this concept over and over again and I surely tried her patience with "not getting it." But she is very kind and never showed any irritation. And isn't it something that God would put her (a PASTOR) in my life!

There are bumper stickers or refrigerator magnets which say "Jesus loves you!" But those are just words in a statement. (well, in a song too) I understood in my head, but I did not feel Jesus' love in my heart. However, Whoever has my commands and obeys them, he is the one who loves me. He who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I too will love him and show myself to him." - John 14:21

Jesus' love is not something to be tangibly felt. His love is not something we are able to physically feel. It is the promise of His love which we are told we are given in return for our love of Him and we show our love by obeying.

Jesus explained many things in this Chapter which God led me to find because of the messages which were sent earlier because of our dog Angel. Angel loves me very much and her love is unconditional. She is going to be sooo happy to see us when we get back home from Lake Tahoe. "Dog" spelled backwards is "God" by the way! Jesus loves me unconditionally too, but Jesus won't likely lick my face when I get "home!" (to Heaven)

I realize that the Holy Spirit is in me and it is because of the Spirit, my ability to have faith and trust will come more easily now. That's because my faith and trust is in HIM. There isn't reason for me to worry about how or when I will serve because that would mean having faith and trust in myself, which I certainly lack.

This is eactly what God wanted me to read today. God's timing is wonderful and he led me to read this at a time when it would be so easy for me to understand, and God knew rather than saying "Huh?" I would finally say "Ohhhhh, I get it!"

Indeed, there are 3 Certainties in life which would be........

Death, Taxes and Suzie asking questions and wondering why.

And by asking questions and wondering why, I am able to tell you there are 3 more Certainties in life which are of more importance and they are.......

Our Father, Son and The Holy Spirit!

By the way, there are 3 other Certainties which are Faith, Hope and Love, but the greatest of these is Love. - 1 Corinthians 13

Now I KNOW and BELIEVE that Jesus loves me and I am able to tell him "back at 'cha!"

No Coin Toss Allowed

2008-07-15T11:44:00.000-07:00

Before we left home two days ago there was much confusion in my mind. (MORE than usual for an ADHD me. hahahaha) In my typical impatient ADHD spoiled selfish way, I want things to happen NOW and I often want it to be MY way. My mood became very depressed. Depression is nothing new to me. It is something I am very familiar with and I don't like it.

Working on one's self takes a whole lot of effort. Many people tell me I "think too much" and they don't say it in a way that is complementary. My "thinking too much" is viewed as a flaw. Well helloooo, that's why I have so many questions! That's why I wonder why! But I know what people mean when they tell me that, because sometimes it even drives me nuts when I am not able to shut my brain off. Sigh.

When I have time to "think too much" that often leads to an all too common depressive episode which is not a good thing for an intense ADHD me. When you're "intense" you tend to experience things very DEEPLY. When I'm happy, it's more like being ecstatic! When I'm sad, it's more like I am in deep mourning. When my feelings have been hurt, it's more like "I'm wounded and I think I need to be admitted into intensive care." When I am mad, it's more like "get outta the way because the volcano will likely erupt!!" And if I get depressed, sometimes it's like "just go away and let me die." These are no exaggerations by the way. Being diagnosed as "intense" was part of the results of psychological testing I went through five years ago.

But God knit me in my mom's womb with "intensity" on purpose. Depression is something I've dealt with for most of my adult life and I have spent many hours in therapy sessions at various times over the past 27 years.

Becoming a mother in 1997 was more than my mind and emotions could take and I became severely depressed. After six years of "ruining my son" with my poor parenting skills, I sought out therapy once again but THIS time I welcomed giving medications a try. It was more like "GIVE ME SOMETHING RIGHT NOW!!" I was always WAY too stubborn to accept the doctor's prescription for an anti-depressant in years past . "I don't need medication" had always been my foolish thick-headed opinion. HA! What a jackass. hee haw.

Thank God I was also diagnosed with ADHD at that time. That came clear out from left field and was a TOTAL shock to me. For more than a year I read everything I could get my hands on and nothing other, than books about ADHD. What a shocking discovery! I thought to myself "Is MY picture on the cover of this book?"

The shock was combined with disbelief, which after more than a year turned to deep sadness and hurt. (Intensity, remember?) No wonder why school was difficult for me. No wonder why I was made to stand in the corner with tape over my mouth in second grade. No wonder why my report cards said "Suzie needs to spend less time socializing and more time on her class work."

Along with the sadness and hurt, anger soon came along. I felt so misunderstood. I felt sorry for myself for what "could have been." School took so much effort that I didn't want to try. A few people knew of my diagnosis but treated it as a joke or some kind of excuse for being forgetful or confused or having difficulties in not understanding instructions and such.

Only very recently have I become "okay" with my diagnosis. Yes, I often get very frustrated and hate when I forget what I went to the other room for. All too often, I'm going to say something and the thought fades before it can be shared. I get frustrated and sometimes very angry with myself. People who know me just laugh at me, and most of the time I am able to laugh along with them. Admittedly, sometimes my feelings are hurt.

Even my son knows me too well in saying "MOM! ADHD moment, stick to the topic at hand!" Zack made me laugh my head off in telling me that when I veered off the topic I was speaking about while driving, and said "Oooooo look at that horse!" That's the wide angeled vision God knit me with. Some call it distractibility. HA! I beg to differ!

And in getting ready for our trip up here to South Lake Tahoe, packing was a nightmare as usual. After three trips to the bedroom to get something and forgetting, I said "Oh I remember what it was now!" Zachary started telling me something when Tom interrupted with "Shhhhh, mom's trying to remember something, don't distract her." Thank God for an understanding husband and son who love me no matter what.

People who don't know me (or even those who do) don't know the hidden disability God knit me with. The unseen anxiety which goes on within. The fear of speaking and saying something impulsively and making a fool of myself. The doubts about myself which cause low self-esteem. These are just a few of my many, many, many "issues" I have to deal with.

But now with Jesus in my life, I have his support and understanding. His Father knit me in my mom's womb this way on purpose after all. I have hated it too. I haven't like who I am. I have always felt "different." Being "different" is nothing to embrace. Especially when you're Japanese. But this is who I am and this is how God "wired" my brain.

Our outlook on life is controlled by our attitude. Is the glass half-empty or is the glass half-full? Is there nothing positive to see in a negative situation? It's up to us to decide which way we want to think and live our lives. Do I choose to be happy or do I choose to be miserable? Is being knit in my mom's womb with ADHD and depression a "flaw" or is that a "gift?"

I have come to realize that being created by God in this exact way is not something I only accept but it is something I am to embrace. My "flaws" can be seen as "gifts" if I allow myself to think of them that way. Instead of saying "poor me" I can chose to say "wow, how blessed I am!" The choice is mine. And as it was clearly explained to me through reading Scripture today.....

"Everything is permissible" -- but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible" -- but not everything is constructive. Nobody should seek his own good, but the good of others." - 1 Corinthians 10:23 & 24

The choice is mine to make about how I view the way God chose to make me because everything is permissible after all. The question I need to ask myself is whether my view is constructive. Are my "flaws" really "flaws" to me?

Everything is permissible but not everything is beneficial. My "flaws" can be used as a "gift" to help others deal with similar "disabilities." I am not to seek my own good, but the good of others.

Not limiting the choice to the attitude of what I think of myself, I am also to choose the way that I view EVERYTHING. It isn't like flipping a coin. The choice is mine to make.

So, whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it for the glory of god. - 1 Corinthians 10:31

God's Amazing Handiwork

2008-07-14T17:16:00.000-07:00

Just before arriving at our Timeshare here in South Lake Tahoe a hawk flew right past our car so close to the windshield I could nearly see his feet!

The hawk was a tangible way for me to experience the fact that God is always watching us like a hawk. That thought made me smile and with a slight sigh of relief I thought this week would be a good one.

Late this morning Tom, Zachary and I went fishing at Cave Rock and within 30 minutes or so a black bear came to pay us a visit and he was less than 100 yards away! The bear kept his distance from everyone and he didn't display any behaviors for anyone to be fearful of.

His ear was "tagged" with a red tag which from what I understand means that he's "not so nice." He looked harmless to me. But what do I know? The only bears I have ever seen were in zoos!

The Ranger lady honked her horn to try to scare the bear away from those of us who were fishing. I felt some sadness for the bear who was all alone. This bear is one of God's amazing creatures and man has infringed upon his natural habitat after all. The bear didn't do anything wrong. He was just minding his business sauntering about the land which God has provided for him.

As we fished (but didn't catch anything) a mallard duck floated by. Oh the beauty of God's nature we were enjoying while fishing! -- I also wondered why in the world would a fish want to eat psychedelic colored Power Bait? Surely fish eat whatever yummy thing God provides them with and I doubt it looks anything like the bait we were using. No wonder why we didn't catch any fish!

God's living creatures and this amazing first time, in-person bear experience was obviously some sort of message from God. I searched my Bible and the grandeur of God's handiwork is what I was led to find.

In Job 12:7-10 it says "But ask the animals, and they will teach you, or the birds of the air and they will tell you; or speak to the earth, and it will teach you, or let the fish of the sea inform you. Which of all these does not know that the hand of the LORD has done this? In his hand is the life of every creature and the breath of all mankind."

God knows I need tangible things to experience his presence and His miracles so he sent this "grand" black bear today to shock me into learning about the grandeur of His handiwork! Wow! I wonder what tangible thing God will send next?!? I can hardly wait!

No Co-Winky Dinks

2008-07-14T14:45:00.001-07:00

Before leaving for our trip to South Lake Tahoe on Sunday we had to drop off our dog at the kennel. She is a very spoiled house dog who is very attached to me. (I am spoiled and attached to her too!) It made me very sad to think of her missing us. It made me sad that she would not understand why she was being made to stay at a kennel, possibly all alone.

Before Tom left the house with Angel he happened upon a missing dog charm which had been on Angel's collar but it was lost more than a year ago! The dog charm has an angel on it and the charm reads "Guardian Angel, Keep My Pet Safe." Tom reassured me by saying "See, she will be just fine, how much more of a message from God do you need than that??"

When Tom returned he explained with some astonishment himself, "She will be just fine and this is no co-winky-dink either...." There was a lady dropping off her poodle at the very same time, and Tom said to me "Guess what that dog's name is?......"That dog's name is SUZIE."

Tom also overheard the lady say she would be back to pick up "Suzie" on Friday which is the same day we will pick up Angel. God knew Angel would be missing me and I would be missing her. But Angel and "Suzie" will keep eachother company!

In searching my Bible to see what the underlying message is that I am suppose to "get" I found John 14:1 which says "Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me."

Pastor Ellen told me long ago via e-mail "you are a transparent follower of Jesus" which in my typical ADHD response I said "HUH??" Pastor Ellen e-mailed back explaining "you have a hard time understanding things which you cannot see or have not experienced." To which I typed back "Ohhhh, huh?" I was still confused somewhat since I hadn't experienced much back then.

Knowing that I need tangible things in order for me to "get them" through experiencing them, God sends messages in various ways to cause me to question and wonder why. In doing so, God leads me to the section of my Bible to experience what he wants me to know.

This message from God through our dog Angel, is the first short chapter of the amazing things God is having me experience on this trip to Lake Tahoe. There is no such thing as "co-winky dinks" by the way. Instead they are God's miracles!

And while here in South Lake Tahoe for only one day, God had me experience even more of His miracles and soon those experiences will be blogged so you can see them too.

In my "transparency" God wants me to share the miracles he is doing in my life and it is my great honor to do so. Hallelujah!

Nowhere to Hide

2008-07-12T23:40:00.000-07:00

Do you ever have times when you're so down in the dumps that you're in a very dark place in your mind? Do you ever have moments where you just want the world to go away and leave you alone? Where you just want to pull the covers over your head instead of facing the day? When you don't want anyone to cheer you up because you just want to be left alone in your misery? And in those times do you even wish that Jesus would leave you alone too? It's kind of like hosting a "pity-party for one" and not wanting anyone to "crash" it.

But the Psalmist wrote, "Where can I go from your Spirit? Or where can I flee from your presence?....Even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is as bright as the day, for darkness is as light to you." - Psalm 139: 7, 12

In those "dark" moments Jesus is there waiting patiently. (probably tapping his toes and checking his watch every now and again? - Naw) He waits and waits and waits for the "pity-party" to be over and when we finally get over those self-imposed sorrowful feelings, Jesus is there waiting to embrace us.

Jesus doesn't abandon us just because we've turned our backs to him. He loves us all the time and will never give up on us. Even if we try to push him away from us, he won't budge. There is nothing we can try to do that will MAKE him go away. There is nothing we can try to do that will MAKE him not love us. And if we try to run away from him we can't even find anywhere to "hide!"

(The LORD GOD) tends his flock like a Shepherd; He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young. - Isaiah 40:11

So in those pitiful "dark" times when we crumple and have a "meltdown" Jesus knows our weakness and he gathers us up in his arms and carries us close to his heart. When the pity-party is over he wipes our tears away. Then he sets us back down and he takes us by the hand giving His reassurance of his never ending love.

When we're ready to face the world again and move forward, he walks right along side of us at our pace. - - Not in front of us leading or dragging us, not pushing us forward from behind, but walking right along side of us stepping in time.

We aren't promised a life of ease and it would be unrealistic for us to expect it. The "dark" times may be unavoidable but in John 16:33 Jesus said "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

Jesus doesn't want us to lose heart in our times of trouble. He just wants us to know that we always have him to lean on when we feel like the burden is too much for us to carry! And as the Psalmist wrote, You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance. - Psalm 32:7

Isn't it great that Jesus is so very patient. Isn't it great that he never gives up on us, especially when we can be like stubborn mules!

Thank you Jesus. Thank you for never giving up on me even when I feel like giving up on you. Amen.

Life's River Rapids

2008-07-11T01:09:00.001-07:00

Life doesn't always go the way we think it should be going. Some of us have certain expectations in our minds of where we think we should be at certain points in our lives. How much money do we have set aside for a "rainy day?" How much money do we have saved for kids' college funds? How much money do we have set aside for our retirement?

In addition, other stressors in our everyday lives sometimes attack us producing worry and anxiety. Sometimes when things seem SO overwhelming and scary we might feel like we're traveling down the "river rapids" on our journey through life, and WE all too often try to take control and steer the boat in the direction WE think it is supposed to be going. God never promised a life of ease though, and sometimes we might even feel that we've fallen overboard!

In our times of fear and attempting to take control, some of us even forget where Jesus is in our lives! We don't remember to rely on Him, and instead we try to handle things all on OUR own power, forgetting that Jesus is right beside us riding the river rapids too. But in Psalm 118:6, the psalmist wrote, "with the LORD on my side I do not fear..."

So when the unexpected "river rapids" come at us on our journey through life (which God did not promise would be a life of ease) it is important to remember When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;....the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you....For I am the LORD your God....your Savior. - Isaiah 43:2,3

And in those times of riding the river rapids in our lives, if we should happen to fall overboard, isn't it reassuring that we have Jesus as our life jacket! Hallelujah and Amen to that!

Star Gazing

2008-07-09T00:08:00.000-07:00

Here in the country we can see far a wide since our homes are on five acre parcels. In the morning we can watch the sunrise from our backyard (except I am NOT an early bird so that would be rare for me!) and at dusk we can watch the sunset from our front yard. Late at night (God knit me in my mother's womb as a night owl after all) we can sit in our yard or lie on our backs on the lawn and peacefully gaze at the moon and the many stars.

It was amazing to think that up and down the state of California or even in other states or other parts of the world, anyone who looks up at the sky can pretty much see the same things we are seeing!

It reminded me of the song from Disney's "It's a Small World...."

It's a world of laughter, a world of tears, it's a world of hopes, it's a world of fears, there's so much that we share that it's time we're aware it's a small world after all.

It's a small world after all, it's a small world after all, it's a small world after all, it's a small, small world.

There is just one moon and one golden sun and a smile means friendship to everyone, though the mountains divide and the oceans are wide, it's a small small world......

It's a small world after all, it's a small world after all, it's a small world after all, it's a small, small world!"

Psalm 19:1 says The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of His hands.

Tom purchased a real star for me as a Christmas gift in the first year that we were dating. There is a country song that Tracy Byrd sings and it goes like this......

"I tip my hat to the keeper of the stars, He sure knew what He was doing when he joined these two hearts...."

Getting off track, sorry. But I DO thank "The Keeper of the stars" for putting Tom in my life and "for joining our two hearts." Tom truly was the very first blessing I received from God in my adult life.

Anyway back to my star. My very own star is registered with the U.S. Library of Congress, Copyright Office and it is insured against duplication by Lloyd's of London. I completely forgot that I had a star of my own until I was star gazing the other night.

That's when the thoughts in my ADHD brain realized that God created everything I was gazing at and it was so amazing! So now when I think about "star number MAG 08.5 RA 14h 23m 37.95s Dec+14o 18' 31.41" being named "Suzie," it is so very awesome to think that one of God's grand creations in His small, small world, is named after an ADHD me! How amazing! Thank you very much God! You are so awesome in deed!

Unconditional Love

2008-07-05T15:07:00.000-07:00

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. "Honor your father and mother" - which is the first commandment with a promise - "that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth." Fathers, (and mothers!) do not exasperate your children, instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord. - Ephesians 6:1-4

I was very unhappy with my son's behavior the other day which caused much frustration because as usual I didn't know what to do to correct it. My typical hot-headed ADHD impulsive response is to scowl and make some sort of disapproving response which of course doesn't change the unacceptable behavior. Prior to being diagosed and being prescribed medication, I would almost always explode with yelling my disapproval!

Not knowing how to handle certain situations sometimes brings up those typical self-destructive thoughts which I often have. I'm not a good mother. I'm stupid and inept. I'm ruining my son. He's not behaving nicely. If I were doing a better job as a parent he wouldn't be behaving this way.

With much sadness and frustration I talked it over with Tom and he and I agreed that our son needed not only to be talked to, but we also needed to assign some sort of consequence for his actions. (Better to learn about consequences at a younger age so he won't be fired from his first job?)

Tom understands the deep frustrations I have with myself for not knowing what to say or do. (Not only in the area of parenting, but that's another story in itself!) Tom had me role-play and I practiced what I would say. We agreed that I would be the one to talk with Zack but Tom would be nearby to "prod me along." (I tend to get distracted and get off track or go on and on for too long.)

My "motherly-talking to" went just fine. Well, a few times Tom had to wave his hand in a rolling motion to prod me along, but overall it went very well and the consequence for Zack's actions is "no computer for one week."

As sad as my son's disappointing behavior was, it made me realize the sadness our Father God must feel when we do things that are disappointing to him. I explained to Zack that even though I didn't like his behavior I still loved him and I stressed to him that I will ALWAYS love him no matter what.

Today I realized that God's love is the same and even more! I will surely mess up and disappoint God in too many ways (shamefully) but God is always forgiving and his love is unconditional.

Children aren't born with an instruction sheet attached to them, but the Bible offers the greatest instructions for parenting and more! In reading my Bible and referring to it more often, it will help me immensely so I won't exasperate my son with ranting and raving. Instead I will try my best to bring him up in the training and instruction of the Lord. - Ephesians 6:4 Ahhh, I feel less frustrated already! Thank you God!

No Favorites

2008-07-04T08:54:00.000-07:00

Does God listen to the prayers of some people more than he does of others?

I think God DOES listen more to the prayers of some people but ONLY because they pray MORE OFTEN than others do in the first place!

With ADHD and the many distractions and thoughts bouncing around in my mind at rapid-fire speed, it is often next to impossible to even THINK of asking for prayer. Sometimes I start to pray and I lose my train of thought! Then I joke with God saying "oh well, you know ALL so you already know what I need prayer for anyway!"

But seriously, God knit me in my mother's womb with the sense to use methods of compensation for my many deficiencies and one method is for me to journal. Journaling my prayer requests helps to keep me focused and it is also a great way for me to look back on those requests some time later and realize the prayers were answered!

From the very first day, at the beginning of the week while at Mt. Hermon, I felt the urge to approach Pastor Wayne and Pastor Rene and any other influential person I was able to meet so that I could let my prayer request be known and share the exciting yet fearful news of the Church Plant I am involved in with Pastor Ellen. I was so happy that God also had me bump into Junko which provided the opportunity for me to share my prayer concerns with her too!

On Friday morning at Mt. Hermon, (the last day) God had me realize something very important which I shared with the members in my small group. I admitted to them about how I was looking for "influential" people all week long while at Mt. Hermon so they could pray for me, Pastor Ellen, and God's Church in general. But fortunately God had me realize that He listens to EVERYONE'S prayer requests equally. It doesn't matter WHO requests the prayer because everyone's concerns are important to God and he doesn't play favorites.

So in meeting with my small group on Friday morning as our week at Mt Hermon was winding down, I asked ALL of them for their prayers but at that time I was so confused and frustrated that I didn't even know WHAT my prayer request about our Church Plant should be anymore! How stupid was that?

But God knew which sheep to pair me up with in small group number 23 during the week at Mt. Hermon. (23 happens to be my favorite number by the way) These wonderful small group members were JUST AS influential as anyone else in asking for prayer because God listens to each and every prayer of ALL of his sheep equally. How wonderful is that for me to have realized!

It was during the last small group meeting of the week, after some hesitation and wondering on my part, my response for what my prayer request should be was "I don't know, I guess I need prayer for trust, faith and patience for sure."

By Friday evening on the way to the last evening worship of the week, God had me realize that the prayers from my small group members were answered. All week long my prayer concern was for Pastor Ellen, me, and the efforts of planting God's Church. However, I realized that in my prayer I failed to acknowledge the most important part, and that was for me to know that I MUST be willing to accept Thy will be done. (Matthew 6:10)

During Pastor Wayne's last sermon on that same Friday evening at the end of a week at Mt. Hermon, God had me realize even more of what he wanted me to "get" and fortunately God had prompted me to bring my journal with me so I was able to take notes from the messages God was SHOUTING at me through Pastor Wayne's sermon.

God wanted me to know that I am to "Trust in the Lord when I don't understand" which is what Pastor Wayne explained in his sermon. We don't have a crystal ball. We don't have any "blueprints" for building God's Church. It isn't up to me to be in control. It isn't up to me to take the wheel and steer things my way. In planting God's Church, God wants me to let go, let God, put complete trust in him and just obey. I guess that's where the term "blind faith" comes from. God wants me to just submit to him.

I am to Trust in the Lord with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding; in all my ways acknowledge him, and he will make my paths straight. - Proverbs 3:5

All week long I had hoped to journal but nothing came with ease. Thursday night I "happened" to have my journal with me while in the Field House rec room and the pen flowed freely.

Friday night after the sermon there was opportunity for sharing. God had prompted me to bring along my journal with the many pages of inspiration from the night before. The Holy Spirit was in this ADHD scatter-brained lamb and He prompted me to get up and share.

Flying by the seat of my pants, or "wingin' it" while public speaking is the worst idea for an ADHD lamb to even consider. I had my journal though. Without hesitation I got up and stood before the many people there. I skimmed through my journal and read the majority of what was journaled the night before but threw in some typical ADHD "random thoughts" in addition.

In my ADHD way of taking too much time to get to the point, Pastor Sam interrupted and asked Pastor Ellen to pray for me. I didn't have the opportunity to share the last minute realizations God had given me.

In the week since coming back from Mt. Hermon, in my typical negative thinking way, I have been beating myself up in my mind with what I said, how I said it, and thinking I made a fool of myself as usual. I know in my head that I am only to be concerned with what God's opinion of me is. I know in my head that people think it was brave of me to have gotten up to share. (because a few people told me so) In my heart however, it is hard for me to believe that God would be proud of the mere attempt at trying to be a disciple.

Now after a week of digesting what happened to me at Mt. Hermon, I realize this was all part of God's plan. My ADHD live-in-person testimony on Friday night was interrupted for a reason.

God knew the testimony as it was, was incomplete. God knew my testimony could be shared more clearly with fewer ADHD random-thought moments. God knew that if given the oppportunity to better organize my testimony, it could have more of an impact and it could be shared with many more people than just those in attendance on Friday night at the end of a week at Mt. Hermon.

So God wants me to spend the next moments, hours, DAYS as it will likely be, to compose my testimony before sharing it completely. That is what I am to do. That is what God had planned from the beginning. So in obeying God, that is what I will start working on and if you're interested check back later to see just how that will unfold.

*note: Thank you to the members in small group number 23: Danny, Melanie, Terence, Flora, Jason, Carrie, Brian, Kiku and Dave for your prayers!

Fine Tuned

2008-07-03T01:00:00.000-07:00

Does God speak more to some people than he does to others?

I brought my journal with me to Mt. Hermon and I wanted to go off into the wilderness to a spot where I could be alone and listen for any messages God might have for me. There wasn't an opportunity for that to happen with all the activities or "interference" blocking the "reception" for this ADHD lamb to "get" what God would want me to know.

When you listen to a radio the dial has to be adjusted or "fine tuned" or the station won't come in clearly enough because of the static interference. Not being tuned in makes it nearly impossible to know what the song and music is because the static noise is interfering.

Having ADHD or not, the hustle and bustle of everyday life makes it's hard to hear what God might be trying to say. God wants me to make the effort to slow down more often. Kick back. Relax. Be still. In doing so, the fog in my brain lifts (well, medication helps that too) and my mind is clearer and better able to receive the messages from God.

Having ADHD makes it difficult to filter out the distractions which constantly bombard me. EVERYTHING gets my attention and the many thoughts bouncing around in my mind like a ball in a pinball machine, causes a lot of "static interference" in my ability to stay focused.

But that's how God knit me in my mother's womb so God knows to send me tangible ways of getting my attention then KEEPING my attention long enough for me to wonder why. In wondering why, I search my Bible to find the answer to the question which God had the answer to without my realizing that I had a question in the first place! Huh? What did I just say?

The point is, if God can get through the static interference in the mind of an ADHD lamb, then He can get through the static interference in ANYONE and allow them to receive His messages too. I am PROOF of that and I suppose that is part of God's purpose for me!

So adjust your "satellite dish" today (that would be your ear, I suppose!) and kick back, relax, listen, be still and know that He is God (Psalm 46:10) have a journal and pen in hand and be ready to write down the message God has for you. Maybe you won't have to write down God's messages but I find that in doing so I can look back and read God's messages over and over again and this ADHD lamb usually says "Ohhh, I remember now and I get it again!" And if God has a sense of humor, he is most likely rolling his eyes, sucking his teeth and saying "DUH!" -- ha ha ha! God is good indeed!

Smell of Death or Fragrance of Life?

2008-07-01T21:29:00.000-07:00

Tom set up the lawn chairs in the front yard this evening so Zachary, Tom & I could watch the beautiful sunset. Tom saw something moving in the distance and thought it was a cat. As the creature walked up the lawn and came nearer to us Tom noticed it was a SKUNK!! Oh no!! We rushed Angel inside the house right away so her curiosity wouldn't get the best of her. How awful would THAT have been to have a house-dog reek of a skunk?....Oh the thought!! My my my.

Almost instantly I said aloud, "I wonder what message this skunk has for me?" It took only five minutes or so and this is what God wanted to share......

But thanks be to God, who always leads us in triumphal procession in Christ and through us spreads everywhere the fragrance of the knowledge of Him. For we are to God the aroma of Christ among those who are being saved and those who are perishing. To the one we are the smell of death; to the other, the fragrance of life. And who is equal to such a task? - 2nd Corinthians 2:14-16

Who would have ever imagined that God, through an ADHD ME, could use ME to spread everywhere the fragrance of the knowledge of Him?? Yes, God knit me in my mother's womb with ADHD with a purpose in mind. Now that purpose is coming to fruition for God's Glory and I am blessed to be that ADHD instrument for Him without saying "Now what was I gonna say?" Hallelujah!! God is good!!

Depending on our Lifeline

2008-06-28T23:13:00.000-07:00

There is a "Canyon Course" at Mt. Hermon which is an obsticle course made up of swaying logs, tight wires, ropes which are tied in knots, suspension bridges, and netting which can be climbed on like a ladder.

The course doesn't seem so difficult until you look down and realize you're high above a canyon and the course is suspended amongst the trees high above the canyon floor!

If you're brave enough to attempt the course, you are required to wear a safety helmet and a safety harness which belts around your waist and has leg straps for each thigh. A thick safety rope runs through your harness and splits off like a "Y" and there are two latches at the end of the rope "Y" which are hooked to the guide wire above you. This becomes your lifeline so to speak and prevents you from falling to certain death.

In moving from one course to the next, you have to move your "lifeline" from one guide wire to the next. In order to do so, you must unhook one latch at a time, and your partner must give you permission to unhook the 2nd latch after you've shown that the 1st latch is indeed secure.

Zachary, although only 11 years old, was my partner on the course and I trusted him with my life. He displayed much confidence and he was very responsible. He made sure to give the proper commands and I was certain to obey them to ensure my lifeline was indeed secure before I attempted to move from one guide wire to another.

There is power in teamwork and togetherness and your life journey can be more enjoyable when you walk with the knowledge that you have others to rely on.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 explains it like this.........

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Also if two lie down together, they will keep warm, But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

When it comes to having a lifeline it is very empowering when you are able to put complete trust in someone else. Knowing without a doubt that your safety is secure in their hands allows you to move forward and walk with confidence and little fear. (Just don't look DOWN while on the Canyon Course or it might make you weak-kneed like it did me! Yikes!) "But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him...." - Jeremiah 17:7

It is a wonderful thing to realize that Jesus is our "lifeline" and how great it is to know that He is someone we can ALWAYS rely on. All we have to do is remember....Joshua 22:5 - But be very careful to keep the commandment and the law that Moses the servant of the Lord gave you: to love the Lord your God, to walk in all his ways, to obey his commands, to hold fast to him and to serve him with all your heart and all your soul."

Jesus is the BEST "lifeline" for sure!

Gone Fishing

2008-06-26T14:03:00.000-07:00

People in general might have a stereotype of Asians and some people might assume I am Buddhist just because of my Asian appearance. When that thought hit me a few months ago I rushed to the Christian bookstore and purchased a "fish," and a window sticker of a boy knealing at a cross, to put on the back of my mini-van.

Anyone who drives behind me or passes me up (I tend to drive slowly from what my passengers say, but hey with the price of gas these days.....) anyway, what an easy way to let people know that I am a Japanese-American Christian and I am NOT embarassed to let that be known. Without having to speak a single word, I am making a statement for Christ while driving around in my mini-van!

I must admit that having a "fish" on my mini-van also helps to keep my driving "in check" and any potential "road upsetness" at bay! Ahh the power of a "fish" -- isn't Jesus wonderful?!!

"Come, follow me," Jesus said, "and I will make you fishers of men." - Mark 1:17

Mt. Hermon or Bust!

2008-06-22T09:39:00.000-07:00

Today Zachary & I will leave for Santa Cruz to attend an Asian Christian Retreat at Mt. Hermon. This will be our first time away from Tom which makes me nervous with having separation anxiety. This will be a true test of my faith. But God led me to search my Bible and here is what it says.......

For though I am absent from you in body, I am present with you in spirit and delight to see how orderly you are and how firm your faith in Christ is. - Colossians 2:5

In my nervousness I tend to lose my appetite but not nourishing my body with food is just as bad as not nourishing my soul with God's Word. The Bible says my body is a temple after all.....

My heart is blighted and withered like grass; I forget to eat my food. - Psalm 102:4

Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own, you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body. - 1 Corinthians 6:19,20

God knit me in my mom's womb as a night owl. (mom was one too!) I am afraid I won't be able to sleep while at Mt. Hermon. Worrying about it only creates more anxiety.

I lie awake; I have become like a bird alone on a roof. - Psalm 102:7

But sharing these fears with those I am with will help to relieve the anxiety. Holding it in and trying to pretend I'm okay, will only make it worse. I will be amongst understanding Christians after all, so I will admit my fear and ask someone to pray with me.

God wants me to have faith and set my worries and fears aside to be open to experiencing his presence this week! God doesn't want me to worry about things at home. All those worries will still be there next week but when I come home from Mt. Hermon, I will probably have a different attitude about them.

Then Jesus said to his disciples: "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable are you than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest? - Luke 12:22-26

So this will be a wonderful week-long experience of being together in Christian fellowship amongst so many Asians! Being with so many Asians in itself will be an experience for me! And although I will miss Tom, (as will Zack) I will try hard to NOT be afraid without him. Twenty-three years of togetherness is a long time, and absence makes the heart grow fonder!

So I will try hard to be brave this week, knowing Jesus will be with me and that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. - Philippians 4:13 my favorite verse!

In four hours we will hit the road and I will go with this assurance in mind......

"Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the Kingdom." - Luke 12:32

And how great is that!!

Snail Mail

2008-06-19T07:49:00.000-07:00

God sent me a message by way of "snail mail" the other day. (hee hee!)

A snail was perched on top of a big flower bulb which was poking up half-way out of the soil. I squatted down and watched him since I had extra time. (ADHD people have problems with time management and usually tend to run late) As I watched the snail I knew there must be a message God wanted me to learn from this slow-moving creature which He created.

The snail's antennas were slowly twisting about in every direction as he repeatedly turned his head to the left and to the right. He leaned forward to look at the dirt once in awhile as though searching for a careful way to get down from the bulb to reach the soil.

Somehow he managed to crawl up to the top of the big flower bulb, but for some reason he seemed to be afraid to crawl down. He continued to twist his antenna slowly through the air. He continued to turn his head to the left, to the right, down towards the soil and even up at me.

Was he looking to me for help? I blew a small puff of air towards him to see if he would retract into his shell but he didn't. He wasn't afraid of me at all. He was determined to find a way down to the soil. Maybe he was thinking "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." - Philippians 4:13

After searching and contemplating for a very long time (thankfully I wasn't running late yet!) the snail decided to turn sideways to slowly crawl down the flower bulb to reach the soil. What was so special about that particular path? Why couldn't he just crawl down in the direction he was already facing?

I searched my Bible for a long, long time and I just wasn't "getting it." I was getting a little frustrated in wondering "what is the message God wants me to realize via this snail messenger?!" It was taking more time than usual to search my Bible to understand what God wanted me to know but since the message was from a snail I guess searching my Bible was slow going! That in itself was a huge lesson for this impatient ADHD-me since there were a variety of passages that God led me to find and they each spoke to me in some way or another.

The manner in which I live my life is something God wants me to think about. Going through the days at hyper speed will cause me to miss important messages from Him. Slow down. Be still. Don't be so impulsive. Pay attention to what God wants me to do and how He wants me to live my life.

The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance. - 2 Peter 3:9

Being the usual impatient me (God has his work cut out for him in dealing with an ADHD me! - wink) I have wished to hurry up and get from "Point A" to "Point C" in my faith journey. God doesn't want me to skip "Point B" though. I realize my faith journey is nothing to be hurried and the journey is not only from "Point A" to "Point C."

God wanted me to realize that yes, my faith journey is from "Point A" (the day I was born) but it also includes every letter of the alphabet in between and more! The final destination my faith journey will lead me to is not "Point Z" because through my travels of following Jesus the final destination point will be Heaven! Okay God, I finally get it!!

But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ..... - Philippians 3:20

God wanted me to remember to slow down, don't be so impulsive and God wanted me to realize that I need to be more patient in searching my Bible. (not at the speed the snail messenger was taking I hope - I am too impatient for that yet!) The Bible has many lessons to offer and God wants me to make the time to read them more often. There are sure to be ADHD times where I will say "huh?" but that's why God put Pastor Ellen in my life to answer my many questions!

Take my time. Don't be impulsive. Slow down and think about living my life with safety in mind. God wants me to read my Bible more often and I will grow with the knowledge which it will give me. God wants me to remember that with Jesus as my leader my path and faith journey will be safer. God sent me this message by "snail mail" and it seemed to be at the snail's pace, but finally I "got it."

Grace and peace be yours in abundance through the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord. - 2 Peter 1:2

Follow the Leader

2008-06-18T23:50:00.000-07:00

Today a mama duck and 7 tiny ducklings were following in a row behind her and wasn't it all in God's plan that I should be driving down a rural road at that particular time, when they were crossing from one side of the irrigation canal to reach the other side. God knew that today my path would meet up with the path of the ducks which He created. God sent this mama duck and her ducklings to give me a message.

How does a mama duck teach her baby ducklings to stick together and follow along right behind her? What would happen if the ducklings didn't obey? If they didn't obey they surely would not be protected. Being "infants," the ducklings know to stick with their mama until they are bigger and better able to care for themselves.

I am an "infant" in my faith journey so to speak. God wants me to know that Jesus is my leader. I don't have much Biblical knowledge but God wants me to know that I will be safer and more confident if I follow Jesus.

I will still slip up and make mistakes, no doubt. The great thing is that no one is perfect. Only Jesus is. Being Christian doesn't ensure that I won't make any wrong choices and making mistakes in life can be a blessed learning experience and Jesus always forgives. All I have to do is repent and ask from my heart for His forgiveness.

Learning more from the Bible and getting to know Jesus better will help me in making the right decisions in life. And who is a better teacher or leader than Jesus!? He is the best and ONLY leader to follow!!

When Jesus saw the crowd around him he gave orders to cross to the other side of the lake. Then a teacher of the law came to him and said "Teacher, I will follow you wherever you go." - Matthew 8:18,19

It was part of God's plan

2008-06-12T23:49:00.000-07:00

From the time I was looking to develop my faith (about 3 1/2 years ago) God knew which paths that he would have me travel. The starting point was at the church in Stockton which Pastor Ellen was the pastor of and it offerred the hope which I so needed.

But after a short while I came to a road block on that particular path to Jesus and this scared little lost lamb ventured away with much resentment, fear and frustration. I felt that even God had let me down.

God knew just how empty this lamb's soul was. God knew how weak I was in my faith in Jesus Christ and he knew I was lacking Biblical knowledge. God knew which paths this starving malnourished lamb should take in order to find the spiritual nourishment I was in need of.

God knew what happened and why Pastor Ellen left the church in Stockton. God also knew that the down trodden group of people who loved the Lord and left that church as well would soon meet up at the fork in the road where my path would cross with their path.

God knew how crucial it was for this frightened and searching lamb to meet up with a kind-hearted group of shepherds. God knew that I would travel the path to a group of shepherds whose hearts were filled with the love for and of God. He knew I was weak and starving and he knew just who could provide the spiritual nourishment that I so needed in order to grow and become stronger in Him.

And that was the beginning of my faith journey.

Walking in Wisdom

2008-06-08T22:56:00.000-07:00

He who trusts in himself is a fool, but he who walks in wisdom is kept safe. - Proverbs 28:26

There was no need to worry about walking at Relay for Life and potentially breaking down and openly crying in front of anyone over missing mom. Instead I had my "protective bubble" around me. That "bubble" is what protects me emotionally and it goes up automatically whenever I want to distance myself from whatever uncomfortable situation it is that I am facing.

It may not be the healthiest way to cope but it is the method I have used for so long that it has just become a bad habit. However, I did not walk my hour-long shift because I was feeling emotionally numb and really didn't want to even be there.

God's singing bird messenger of the night came to greet me AS SOON AS we got home from the Relay today. As I unloaded the van, God's special bird messenger rested in the tree directly above my van and sang her heart out to me.

"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me." - John 14:1

I imagine she was probably scolding me while singing "I TOLD you not to be anxious." "Allow yourself to be sad and mourn." "Just give it over to God with trust." "Stop trying to be so controlling." "Why are you being so stubborn?" "Don't be a fool and trust in yourself."

This singing bird messenger with the beautiful chirps was sent to me from God and she wants me to believe in my heart and remember....When I am afraid, I will trust in you. - Psalm 56:3

God's Late Night Messenger

2008-06-06T01:56:00.000-07:00

American Cancer Society's "Relay for Life" is this weekend and for the first time in five years, I have not been looking forward to participating. I have had much anxiety because I have been missing mom so much and I am afraid I will cry and be sad but Pastor Ellen says tears are healing. Tom has to work until early afternoon so he can't be with me to offer his support if I should need to lean on him.

As I am journaling this, God has sent his beautiful singing bird messenger of the night to sing her joyous songs of hope to me.

The Opening Ceremony with the "Survivors Lap" stirs up some anxiety with memories of mom participating in the past and it creates much sadness just thinking about it. The thoughts of Tom's brother currently enduring his cancer treatments also makes me sad for him and for the rest of our family who all care so deeply about him.

I am very anxious over the balloon release which we personally hold in memory of mom. We release a balloon in mom's memory & watch it rise up in the air with an attached sentiment tied to the string. We watch the balloon rise until we can no longer see it in the sky. I don't plan to write a message to mom but in my head and in my heart, I will be sending mom a message too.

The Luminaria Ceremony also makes me anxious because while watching it in the past without any grief of my own, I once cried in sadness for others and mom was still alive then. How will I hold up this weekend?

So God's bird messenger of the night sings to me right now with encouragement and she wants me to.....Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. - 1 Peter 5:7

And if anxiety should take over while at the Relay this weekend and if I have to cry, God's bird messenger of the night sings her compassionate song to me and wants me to know that .....Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. - Matthew 5:4

God's bird messenger of the night is also singing to me with joy and reassurance right now as she sings with certainty........Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings. - Psalm 63:7

God's bird messenger of the night is confidently singing to me right now and wants me to rely heavily on this verse.......When I am afraid, I will trust in you. - Psalm 56:3

Isn't God good in knowing me so well? God always knows just what I need and when I need it, in order for me to "get it."

One Way, No U-Turn Allowed

2008-06-05T23:08:00.000-07:00

God knit me in mom's womb with ADHD on purpose. One positive aspect of my brain being wired this way is that I notice so much within my surroundings with the wide-angled vision God gave me. (distractibility, as some might say) He also wired me with an inquisitive, questioning mind.

Seeing things with my eyes and hearing things with my ears often causes me to take notice and observe for long periods of time. Quite often these things which I notice and become inquisitive over, leads me to search my Bible to find the special message God wants me "to get."

This morning the bird that has been singing late at night in total darkness, made her presence visible to me as she sang beautifully in front of our house. I was pruning the rose bushes when I heard her joyous singing so I scanned the air in search of her.

Hearing her joyful singing while only in complete darkness made me all the more courious to search for her and see just what she looked like. After a short while, she flew to the phone wire while singing along the way. I don't know what breed she is for sure, but she resembles a mockingbird.

She sat on the wire while joyously singing. She flew a short distance to the top of the phone pole where she continued to sing. She flew to the redwood tree in our front yard where the branches hid her from my view. But even though I could no longer see her, I knew she was there because her beautiful singing chirps made her presence known to me.

From the redwood tree she flew overhead to a tree on the otherside of our property and continued to sing her beautiful song to me. After awhile she flew back to the phone wire and seemed to be watching me while continuing her lovely song.

God wanted me to know that even though I can't see him, he is always there. God sent me this singing bird messenger to get my attention and in turning my head this way and that to follow where she was flying to, it allowed me to see in a tangible way that even when hidden from view by the branches of the trees, I knew she was still there.

Since being baptized and born again, God wants me to realize there is no turning back. I have accepted Jesus into my life and I am to follow and obey. Sometimes I will get lost along the way or I might even stray, but God sent me this beautiful bird to remind me to follow the "signs."

The important signs God wants me to pay attention to are "No U-Turn." I accepted Jesus and now I am His. There is no turning back. The other important sign that I am to remember is "One Way." I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. - John 14:6

So in turning my head to the right and to the left while watching this singing bird fly to and fro, God wanted me to "get" His message, and that message is.......Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it." - Isaiah 30:21

This bird messenger who sings her beautiful songs, also wanted to prove a point in a tangible way that even though I can't see God, he is always there!! Hooray for that!!

Even in Darkness, I will be there

2008-06-02T02:03:00.000-07:00

Be merciful to me, O Lord, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and my body with grief. - Psalm 31:9

In my deep sadness and anger of late, and not even turning to God for strength or comfort, God still sends me his messengers late at night, in pitch darkness to let me know he is with me always.

Oddly enough, in the dead of night without being able to see into the darkness, there is a bird who is somewhere in the distance singing joyfully in beautiful song. She was doing this late last night and is doing so now as I type, even though it is after 1:30 a.m.

This bird isn't just chirping some boring, dull, monotone chirps. She is singing a beautiful song of joy with a variety of chirps which she sings differently, two, three, four times in a row before changing the pitch of her chirps in more ways than is believable.

Even in complete darkness in the middle of the night, God wants me to know that even though I can't see Him he is always there. In a way which only He knows, God sent me this singing messenger of the night in order to help me "get it."

But no one says, 'Where is God my Maker, who gives songs in the night, who teaches more to us than to the beasts of the earth and makes us wiser than the birds of the air?' - Job 35:10,11

And even when I forget that God is always there for me to turn to for strength and comfort, God loves me no matter what and promises......

........'Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you," - Hebrews 13:5

Nothing out of the Ordinary

2008-05-29T23:59:00.000-07:00

Earlier this week Pastor Ellen, Frank, Doris and I attended the council meeting at United Congregational Christian Church where we were introduced to Pastor Jack and we were given the opportunity to share about planting "God's Church." This introduction was in preparation for our being allowed access to UCCC's facilities so that God's Church Sunday Services could be held there.

Pastor Ellen spoke briefly about her background and what God's Church has been doing thus far. At some point she shared that "Suzie's grandfather planted a church in Sacramento years ago" and also stated "Suzie also has her own faith story to tell" and my eyes opened a bit wider (not because of the ADHD wide-angled vision) and I think I even held my breath for a moment. Fortunately I was not asked what my faith story was!!

As soon as we got in the car after the meeting, I told Pastor Ellen in my panicky but humorous tone of voice "don't put me on the spot like that!!" I told her when she said that Suzie has her own faith story to tell, the panicked thought going through my ADHD brain was "I do??"

In having ADHD, nobody can see the invisible processes of what's going on with the thoughts inside my ADHD brain. The scattered thoughts jump around in my brain like the ball in a pinball machine at rapid-fire speed. There has been MUCH anxiety all my life, with feeling pressured to say something in a sensible manner and not make a fool of myself. (After being diagnosed with ADHD four years ago, the anxiety has decreased significantly, due to the fact that I understand why those anxious feelings came about in the first place. I am able to cut myself some slack now.)

Pastor Ellen said that people will ask me what my faith story is and that I should have that ready to share. In my panicked humorous way, I said "I don't know what my faith story is!" and I jokingly asked "are you sure I even read that book??"

I repeatedly told Pastor Ellen "but don't put me on the spot like that!!" and I shared how it takes time for me to think, and then put the scattered thoughts into somewhat of a sensible sentence, far from coming up with a complete story! In my ADHD manner I am able to impulsively blurt out a quick-witted (sometimes annoying) response to things, but making a decision or having to explain something can be next to impossible for me to do at a moment's notice! It takes time to slow down the thoughts in this ADHD brain and connect those scattered thoughts before speaking them.

So during the last two days, I have thought hard about who I am in being a planter of God's Church with little Biblical knowledge and being at the beginning of my faith journey.

This is the result of "being still" and putting the scattered thoughts together after searching my Bible for the message God wanted me "to get." ..........

As Asian members of God's Church, our outward appearances might be obviously different to some people. For those who have never been in personal relationship with an Asian person, one might think we ARE different and yes we are, but so is everyone whether Asian or not. God made each and every one of us and we are all different from one another in our own unique and wonderful ways, but we are ALL God's children.

In getting to know us in closer relationship as friends you will find that our Asian hearts and our love for the Lord are the same as any other Christ loving person. At God's Church we enjoy ministering to children and their families. We come together on Sundays in our own unique ways which are probably not so traditional in comparison to most typical worship services.

Our basic beliefs and what we know to be true for our children and for generations to come, is best explained as we.....

Shout for joy to the Lord, all the earth. Worship the Lord with gladness; come before him with joyful songs. Know that the Lord is God. It is he who made us, and we are his; we are his people, the sheep of his pasture. Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise; give thanks to him and praise his name. For the Lord is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations. - Psalm 100:1-5

Yes, being Asian makes us look different in our appearances but our hearts show just who we are and how we are just the same in being God's children.

A wonderful song from my childhood reminds me that........Jesus loves the little children, all the children of the world. Red and yellow, black and white, they are precious in his sight. Jesus loves the little children of the world!!

.....ALL Children!! Praise be to God!!

Preaching without Knowing

2008-05-25T21:00:00.000-07:00

This morning God gave His Bible message to me through the interpretation of an owl which flew past me late last night while driving home. While journaling I felt that little "nudge" from God and I figured God was telling me that I should share the experience at church, so I did.

This afternoon, Pastor Ellen and I talked on the phone and she mentioned how "the prologue" I spoke of at church this morning is a "classic." I was clueless, not even knowing what "prologue" meant. (In fact I had to look it up right now.)

"Prologue" means; A) The preface or introduction to a literary work. B) An introductory or preceding event or development.

Pastor Ellen also told me that this particular chapter and those verses are a "classic" amongst Theologians. My typical response was "huh?" So I just looked these words up too.

"Classic" means; A) Serving as a standard of excellence, B) Historically memorable, C) Noted because of special literary or historical associations.

"Theology" means; A) The study of religious faith, practice and experience; especially: the study of God and God's relation to the world.

This was even more amazing to think that God had an owl give me a message, and it so happened to be that the message from the BIble that God led me to find is a "classic prologue" amongst theologians! WOW.

I told Pastor Ellen that I don't share with the thought in mind that it is "preaching" since I don't know anything. I added that all that I share is only what I am learning along the way.

God has been sending me messages in various tangible ways through the creatures of nature which He created. God knit me this way in my mom's womb with a purpose in mind. He knit me with wide-angled vision (some might call it " getting distracted") and God knit me with an inquisitive ADHD mind, knowing full well that I would take notice of just about everything and "wonder why." And in wondering why, it leads me to look things up in my Bible which takes me to just the right message which God wants me to "get."

God knit me in my mom's womb this way on purpose and he knew the adventure this faith journey would take me through while connecting the scattered ADHD thoughts along the way, and it's The only Way.

I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. - John 14:6

note: Seeing an owl fly past me in complete darkness while on the drive home late last night made me realize there must be a message God wants me to "get." It was very late and I was too tired to search my Bible so I went to bed instead.

In searching my Bible this morning with complete wonder as to why I saw an owl in the darkness last night, God led me to just the right Chapter in my Bible without knowing the powerful significance within it.

Along with having ADHD, I also suffer with a reading comprehension disability and most often after reading something, (even if it is only a few sentences) my typical response is "Huh?" "I don't get it."

However, in reading this Chapter which God's owl messenger had me find this morning, it was very clear to me (no "huh" needed here!) and there was NO question in my mind about what God wanted me "to get." I obeyed the nudge from God and shared the owl messenger story at church today and read this entire Chapter aloud to everyone. This chapter is also what God wants me to share with you in this Blog and it is my pleasure and great honor to do so......

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning.

Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. In him was life, and that life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it.

There came a man who was sent from God; his name was John. He came as a witness to testify concerning that light, so that through him all men might believe. He himself was not the light; he came only as a witness to the light. The true light that gives light to every man was coming into the world.

He was in the world, and though the world was made through him, the world did not recognize him. He came to that which was his own, but his own did not receive him. Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God - children born not of natural descent, nor or human decision or a husband's will, but born of God.

The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the One and Only, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.

John testifies concerning him. He cries out, saying "This was he of whom I said, He who comes after me has surpassed me because he was before me." From the fullness of his grace we have all received one blessing after another. For the law was given through Moses; grace came through Jesus Christ. No one has ever seen God, but God the One and Only, who is at the Father's side, has made him known. - John 1:1-18

Woodpeckers and Bunnies

2008-05-25T19:30:00.000-07:00

While getting ready for church this morning, I heard a woodpecker in the front yard and he was pecking away at machine gun speed. I glanced about but couldn't see where he was. He kept firing away with his beak pecking repeatedly, sounding like a jack hammer beating on something hollow.

It made me remember what God told me through his woodpecker messenger once before. This woodpecker was reminding me that God wants me to "slow down." Calm the thoughts and "be still." "Don't be too hyper or you will miss the message that I want you to learn."

When we drove into our driveway after church, my little cotton-tailed bunny friend was waiting on the front lawn. I guess God wanted to doubly remind me to "slow down" and keep the ADHD thoughts from bouncing about so fast. Be still. Slow down. Just listen in stillness. God sent me this bunny messenger today in addition to the woodpecker, to make sure I will "get it."

.....faith comes from hearing the message, and the message is heard through the word of Christ. - Romans 10:17

The Chicken Herder

2008-05-20T23:38:00.000-07:00

This morning Quackie, Mr. Rooster and our only surviving hen were out of their pen roaming the backyard near our house. Angel and I went outside and Quackie started quacking very loudly. The hen and the rooster didn't care that we were nearby (they are very tame and used to us) but Quackie was being very protective.

The hen came into the patio area without fear and she poked about the plants in search of a tasty bug. The hen never glanced at us with any fear or concern even though Angel was right there and was cautiously looking at her with her head down low, ready to pounce on the hen at any moment. (Angel always leaves them alone and never chases them)

Quackie was concerned for the hen's safety and fearlessly waddled her way into the patio while quacking loudly the entire way as she watched us with confidence and an "I mean business" attitude. She seemed to be scolding the hen for being too close to us but the hen didn't care and she ignored Quackie.

It was inspiring to see that Quackie was tending her "flock" just as Jesus would tend to his flock. He tends his flock like a shepherd. - Isaiah 40:11

When the hen started to wander from the patio, Quackie began to quack very loudly again. She seemed to be herding up the hen as the hen eventually joined Mr. Rooster on the lawn and Quackie guided them from behind as she herded them towards the chicken pen.

Angel slowly tip toed towards them (if a dog is able to tip toe, but you get the picture!) with her head down low as though the chase would begin at any moment. To protect the hen and Mr. Rooster, Quackie quacked very loudly as she turned away from them and slowly waddled off in the other direction while glancing back to see if Angel was following her instead of her "flock" which she was "tending."

It was interesting to see this interaction between these wonderful animals of different species from God's animal kingdom. What an amazing, tangible demonstration of the loving care that a shepherd as Jesus would have, in tending his flock with protection and love. I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep. - John 10:11

Apparently a good "duck shepherd" would also be willing to lay down her life for the chicken flock she was tending to.

note: Angel left them all alone, and Quackie returned to "herding" them back to the chicken pen.

No Forgotten Passwords

2008-05-18T00:00:00.000-07:00

When we have computers we often have all kinds of accounts online and for security purposes in order to login to them, we are required to create a "user I.D." and a "password" which allows access into that site after we enter the required login information correctly.

When we forget what our user I.D. or password is, we are denied access to that secure site and we are given the message "your password or user I.D. does not match our records." How frustrating it is when we are not allowed access! How frustrating it is to have forgotten the I.D. and/or password that we created! God gave us the promise of eternal life when we became a Christian and He knows the I.D. of each and every one of us.

My Bible explains how to become a Christian.....if you are not a Christian and want to become one, all you have to do is confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord" and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved. - Romans 10:9,10

When you "receive Christ" you acknowledge your belief in Christ, you invite him to come into your life, and are to turn to God from your present way of living (repentance) then take the adventure of letting God direct your life! Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God. - John 1:12

As a child in God's family we still mess up. (too many times to count, for me!) However, God loves us so much that he will always forgive us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. - 1 John 1:9

Jesus died to take the penalty for our sins and took our punishment so we wouldn't have to. For Christ died for sins once and for all, the righteous for the unrighteous, to bring you to God. He was put to death in the body but made alive by the Spirit. - 1 Peter 3:18

God knows the I.D. of each of his followers who became one of his children when we received Christ. God never forgets who we are nor will he ever abandon us or reject us no matter how much or how badly we sin. We are able to feel safe and secure in our salvation because we chose to follow Jesus. Jesus answered, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me." - John 14:6

To gain access to Heaven where we will have eternal life, God knows our I.D. already and what we need to remember daily is to live to please "Jesus Christ" for He is our password for secure entry! And that password is an easy one to remember!

God Inspired Journaling

2008-05-17T00:00:00.000-07:00

"Inspired" - outstanding or brilliant in a way or to a degree suggestive of devine inspiration.

"Inspiration" - a) The quality or state of being inspired. b) A devine influence or action on a person believed to qualify him or her to receive and communicate sacred revelation.

I never knew the exact definition of the above words until I looked them up just now. My journaling is a result of the many thoughts which God puts in my ADHD mind in the first place so the actual journaling truly is a result of God's inspirations.

God gifted me with writing abilities which is far from the same compared to the way that I speak out loud. I don't hear God's voice speaking to me, but God sends tangible things / ways to hold my attention long enough to know that at some point I have to slow down, reflect and "get it." God knows how to send his messages in a manner in which they can be best understood by me. That in itself is a huge thing for this ADHD lamb.

My ADHD mind and wide angeled vision scans the environment and notices every little thing and when something catches and holds my attention in some awe inspiring way, it usually means there is a message there and God wants me to "be still" and contemplate in order to realize what that message may be.

God knit me in my mother's womb with a scattered brain (on purpose!) yet at the same time He also knit me with the ability to connect the many scattered thoughts and put them together in sensible written journaling.

Is sharing the "God Inspired Journaling" God's purpose for me? If God wants to use me as his instrument in order to spread the joy and love which He has to offer, then I am to obey.

Father God, thank you for getting my attention and helping me to stay focused on your tangible clues. Thank you for helping me to "be still" in order for me to "get it." My written journals of inspiration are from you and about you. Connecting the scattered thoughts in this ADHD brain you wired me with, and putting those thoughts to paper shows your amazing presence in my life. Thank you for loving me and for giving me this purpose.

.....so is the word that goes out from my mouth: it will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it. Isaiah 55:11

A Turkey kind of Christian

2008-05-14T23:26:00.000-07:00

God sent me His message today by way of a wild turkey. She was a female wild turkey and she was all by herself near our barn.

Seeing a lone wild turkey seemed strange to me because we see wild turkeys out here in the country quite often but they are always in flocks in as few in number as 13 and as many as 24 or so.

So why was this lone female wild turkey all by herself and all by herself on OUR property and TODAY of all days, since it was my day off? Maybe she was a turkey with ADHD and she got distracted and lost her way from the rest of the flock?

The dictionary lists the definition of "turkey" as:

1) A large North American gallinaceous bird that is domesticated in most parts of the world.
2) Failure, Flop; especially a theatrical production that has failed.
3) Three successive strikes in bowling.
4) A stupid, foolish or inept person.

My interpretation of God's wild turkey message is that God doesn't want me to be a stupid, foolish or inept follower of Christ. Being a "born again" Christian is not some kind of theatrical performance after all. Acting like a good Christian person doesn't fool God because God can see right through that act.

God knows what's in my heart and he knows whether my living a Christ-filled life is an honest desire that I strive for daily or whether it is just a "performance" on my part.

Getting a "strike" in bowling means you knock all 10 pins down on the first try and bowling three strikes right in a row is known as a "turkey." Nobody is perfect. Only Jesus is, but God wants me to attempt to get a perfect three strikes in a row to get a "turkey."

God sent my hyper hummingbird friend to the park today to remind me to "be still" and think about the message which God was trying to tell me by way of that lone wild turkey messenger. She was not an ADHD wild turkey at all. She was sent here on purpose to give me this special message from God.

Living a perfect Christian life is impossible because we are only human. I slip up everyday, too many times to keep track of even! What God wants me to do is repent daily, and ask him for forgiveness.

What God wants me to do everyday is trust him and obey him with sincere honesty and desire, and in doing so I won't be a stupid, foolish or inept "Turkey of a Christian." It's that simple!

"Fools mock at making amends for sin, but goodwill is found among the upright." - Proverbs 14:9

Trust Me, I will be right here....

2008-05-10T00:00:00.000-07:00

Jesus spoke to me through Donny Osmond while Donny was singing about the wonderful promises that Jesus has for me. God knows how difficult it is for me to understand His promises when I can't see Him or even know what the promises are to begin with.

Tell me from the heart, in your eyes I see the pain, it's tearing you apart, let me take it all away. Know someone believes in you, and will love you no matter what you do, you know you are at home and you're not alone when you hear me say.....

This song explains that I may seem okay on the surface but Jesus knows the deep hidden pain I feel because he can see it in my eyes and he wants to take away the pain in my heart. This song also tells me that Jesus believes in me and loves me no matter what I do, because his love is totally unconditional and I am "always in his heart no matter where I am", especially in the times where I may stray.

Whenever you're in trouble, whenever you may need me, I will fight for you, I will help you through. Whenever life's deceiving I'll give you new meaning, no matter where you are you're always in my heart, whenever you're in trouble I will be right here.

Broken promises can be so disappointing and hurtful. But I don't need to be anxious about feeling alone in my times of deep hurt from being deceived because Jesus is saying He will be right here and He will be my strength and he will give me new meaning.

Sometimes you're gonna find, nothing goes the way you've planned. But whatever's on your mind, I will try to understand. Know someone is by your side who may help you through the darkest night, you know you are home and you're not alone, when you hear me say.....

Jesus also knows that sometimes things don't go as I planned. He knows how I worry about God's Church and my Christian support system no longer being here for me. Jesus wants me to know that everything on my mind is important to him and he understands it all. He knows how discouraged and scared I can get. Jesus knows how I hate being hurt emotionally and that I often put up that protective bubble in trying to avoid any potential hurt while pretending I'm okay. He wants me to know he's by my side and will help me through the darkest nights.

Whenever you're in trouble, whenever you may need me, I will fight for you, I will help you through. Whenever life's deceiving, I'll give you new meaning, no matter where you are, you're always in my heart, whenever you're in trouble, I will be right here.

Now's the time to share what you're feeling inside, no matter how long it takes, no matter how many mistakes. Oh now's the time, to reach and you will find, that whenever you need me to care I'll always be there.

Jesus knows that as a defense mechanism, I often stuff hurtful things inside to avoid any pain. Jesus knows this sort of coping mechanism is unhealthy. He wants me to finally come to terms with my buried hurt.

He wants me to be able to open up and share what I'm feeling inside even though there might be long periods of silence from me. No matter how long it takes for me to open up, no matter how stupid I might think my feelings are, Jesus wants me to trust him and reach for him and realize that whenever I need him to care he'll always be there.

Whenever you're in trouble, whenever you may need me, I will fight for you, I will help you through. Whenever life's deceiving I'll give you new meaning, no matter where you are, you're always in my heart. Whenever you're in trouble I will be right here.

note: while listening to Donny's just-released c.d. many times over, I finally realized that these lyrics were speaking to me and I e-mailed Pastor Ellen and Julia with excitement and told them "Jesus spoke to me and he sounds just like Donny!" hee hee hee. :-)

God's Hyper, Cotton-Tailed Bunny Messenger

2008-05-08T23:00:00.000-07:00

This morning I went to the cemetery and sat in the chapel where mom's urn is in it's niche. I took my c.d. player with me and the new Donny Osmond c.d. which was just released this month. I didn't even know that Donny was putting out a c.d. and how excited I was that I "happened" to stumble upon while at Target! (Hey, don't laugh at my Donny!)

One of the songs on the c.d. which Donny co-wrote is "Whenever You're in Trouble" and one night I realized that it is God's message to me through Donny's beautiful singing voice! I also realized that I did not "stumble upon" this c.d. It was God's perfect plan for me to be in the music section and notice it, knowing full well that there was this special song with the words which He would speak so clearly to me.

While in the chapel, I sobbed while journaling my thoughts to mom and my heart ached because I've missed her so much lately. As I continued to journal and sob, that special song was being sung to me through Donny's comforting voice and it was God's assurances and comfort to me.

After more than an hour of sobbing and journaling, I drove home to find a small cotton-tailed bunny sitting still on our lawn. There used to be many cotton-tailed bunnies here where we live in the country but we have not seen any for a very long time.

Isn't it amazing that God would send this ADHD-like hyper bunny to "be still" on our front lawn when I came home from being so sad and wiped out from crying so hard. Not having seen any bunnies for a long time makes it even more amazing that God would send His messenger of nature at this particular time and in this particular way. Though I was emotionally exhausted, I sat in the car for a very long time so I could enjoy watching God's bunny messenger. I knew there would be journaling as a result of this miracle.

God always knows what it takes for me to "get it" and he continues to give me his message through the hyper creatures which he created. His hyper messengers of various sorts are sent to tell me to "be still." "Don't be hyper all the time or you might miss what God's message is."

God is amazing and he must really, really love me.

May your unfailing love be my comfort... - Psalm 119:76

Correction Fluid and Correction Tape

2008-05-07T00:00:00.001-07:00

I keep forgetting to rely on Jesus for strength and comfort, dummy me. In my harshness towards myself there is a tape, or c.d. in my mind which continually plays the negative thoughts and emotions that go along with them. I think Jesus would want me to press "delete" or "skip" or "pause" or turn off the "repeat" button in order to make those negative thoughts and emotions stop.

"Repent therefore and be converted, that your sins may be blotted out." - Acts 3:19

Jesus wants me to repent so that my negative thoughts about myself and the emotions which go along with them can be "blotted out." Repentance has to do with changing my mind but that will also be transparent in the eventual change (for the better!) in my behavior.

"Or do you despise the riches of His goodness, forbearance, and longsuffering, not knowing that the goodness of God leads you to repentance?" - Romans 2:4

Part of God's goodness has been shown to me by the many random feathers he sent my way, in the hyper hummingbirds and hyper squirrel he sends to me and the beauty of nature which we have a better view of since we live out in the country.

I need to remember the goodness of God and also the many blessings that I have. Even though I am wired the way that I am, I have to know and believe in my heart that God knit me in my mother's womb this way on purpose after all, and in that there is also God's goodness. I quite often need reminding of that though, in order to realize the positive aspects of having ADHD.

I was created by God, and Pastor Ellen says "God doesn't make junk." When I fall into that bad habit of self-criticism, I am insulting God because he is my Maker.
I am not perfect (only Jesus is!) and my mind is too often used to beat myself up. "As many as I love, I rebuke and chasten. Therefore be zealous and repent." - Revelation 3:19

When I beat myself up with those "negative tapes or c.d.s" in my mind, I need to repent in order to blot out that sinful way of thinking about myself. I even I, am He who blots out your transgressions for My own sake; And I will not remember your sins." - Isaiah 43:25

When I chose to be baptized last September, I chose to turn to Jesus in faith even though I couldn't see him or hear him. I still can't see him or hear him but I am getting better at taking notice in the present moments rather than after the fact. "Practice makes perfect" is what mom used to often say about different things when I was growing up. "There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus." - Romans 8:1

"Sin shall not have dominion over you." - Romans 6:14 It will take much practice on my part along with daily repentance. However, with help from Jesus I will be "changed" by the blotting out of my sins. It's kind of like Jesus has correction fluid or correction tape!

God is the epitome of goodness!

I will watch you like a hawk, and I will protect you

2008-05-07T00:00:00.000-07:00

Today God sent me His reminders again while at Emerson Park. My ADHD hyper little hummingbird friend stopped by for a brief visit to remind me to be still once in awhile and listen for God's messages which might be overlooked otherwise.

I didn't see my ADHD squirrel friend today but there was a hawk that flew by and landed in a nearby palm tree. It seemed very odd to seek a hawk in town since I usually only see them out where we live, in the rural country.

There is a hawk out here who I see sitting on the phone wires much of the time along the same stretch of rural road. He is the hawk that I saw one stormy, rainy day while driving home, and that particular period of time was emotionally rough for me.

The winds from the storm caused the hawk's feathers to stick up and out every which way but he was still sitting on the phone wires as usual. As I continued to drive I realized "I am just like that hawk." He weathered the storm and his feathers were ruffled up a bit, that's all. He is a fighter, just like I want to be.

The hawk which flew into the palm tree at Emerson Park today must have been sent by God for me to take notice of. God wanted to remind me to "be still" and take notice of the goodness of His nature which He created. Seeing this hawk in town knew there was a message God wanted me "to get."

God wants me to know that He watches me like a hawk. How else can He keep track of me and keep me safe? He is always with me and he will always protect me. That's what God wanted me to realize today and He sent me His message through one of the birds of the air which He provides for.

My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth. Psalm 121:2

The Lord watches over you - the Lord is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day; nor the moon by night. The Lord will keep you from all harm - he will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore. Psalm 121:5-8

Squirrels, Hummingbirds & the Woodpecker

2008-05-04T00:00:00.001-07:00

Last Wednesday while at Emerson Park I saw my squirrel friend again. I figure God sends me this squirrel every week to remind me of Him. Squirrels typically run about so hyper-like and remind me of an ADHD me.

The hummingbird which God sent to me more than once while at the park in the weeks before, remind me of an ADHD hyper me too. Hummingbirds fly fast and zip all over very quickly.

Through these hyper creatures which God created, God wants me to remember to slow down sometimes or I will likely miss what it is that God is trying to tell me.

My squirrel friend was quickly running around the trunk of a tree and in that same tree there was a small bird near the squirrel and she looked like a woodpecker of sorts. She was gripping the tree trunk with her feet but the odd thing about this woodpecker was the behavior she was displaying.

Typically woodpeckers peck at trees very rapidly with hyper, super sonic speed which sounds a bit like a jack hammer. Rat-a-tat-tat, rat-a-tat-tat. (I can't type as fast as the noise sounds!) (wink!) God sent me this particular woodpecker to remind me to slow down because this woodpecker was slowly pecking at the tree with seemingly careful inspection.

For quite a long time, I watched the hyper squirrel clinging to the tree trunk while she was being completely still. And only a few feet away, this calm woodpecker was pecking very slowly on the same tree trunk. I realized God wanted to get my attention and have me take notice of the comparison in a tangible way, and I knew there was something to be journaled about this observation.

God wants me to slow down once in awhile. Be calm. Inspect the beauty around me, all of which are wonderful creations made by God. Be still and listen or look for God's messages in my life or I might miss them all together in being too hyper.

That was the message God wanted to remind me about, so God sent me a hyper squirrel and an unusual woodpecker in order for me to "get it." God is good!

Be still and know that I am God.....Psalm 46:10

A Tough Nut to Crack

2008-05-04T00:00:00.000-07:00

Seeds sown are covered with an outer shell and once planted they begin to open up. When the seeds open up they begin to sprout, starting out as tiny shoots coming up from underneath the dirt and they grow bigger and stronger every day. For some reason some seeds don't open up and they rot in the ground instead.

What is inside the seed becomes vulnerable when the hard shell opens up. Snails might come and eat the young shoots. Bunnies might nibble on them. Birds might peck at them or the winds might blow and knock the newly budding plants out of the dirt.

Eventually people can enjoy the beautiful results of the seeds because they opend up and endured the risks in becoming a beautiful flower.

Sometimes as vulnerable human beings, we put up a wall of defense to protect ourselves from being hurt emotionally. We don't want our hearts to be potentially
hurt so we close our hearts off within a hard shell of protection.

Hiding behind a tough shell of defense in trying to avoid any potential hurts, only interferes with the possibility of the inner beauty of our hearts to be shared with others. Instead we need to allow our hearts to open up to being vulnerable to the things in life which could possibly hurt us emotionally. We don't want our closed off hearts to never open up and "rot" so to speak. Instead we need to be brave and allow the beauty within our hearts to sprout and be shared with others.

With Jesus' help, we can be more courageous and crack open that tough shell of defense which we often use to protect our hearts from being potentially hurt.

Fear not for I am with you....Isaiah 41:10

Call Jesus Christ, that's His name......

2008-01-18T00:00:00.000-08:00

God spoke to me while in the shower yesterday and I realized he wants me to know that my sins from the day before are washed away and that I need to stop and remember that any fears that arise during the day should be pictured as being washed down the drain.

While driving around doing errands yesterday "I Need You" by Leanne Rimes played over the radio again, which reminded me that Christ is there for me at all times. When I came back home I received Tom's phone call letting me know that his brother was told that he has cancer. I felt even more "blue" in addition to the "blueness" from the day before.

On the drive home from picking up Zack from school, "I Need You" played over the radio again. Only God could know that in that particular 10 minutes in time, I would be in the car with the radio on.

So just a bit ago while in the shower, I remembered yesterday's sins were being washed away and God reminded me today that when any fears arise, I am supposed to stop and picture those fears going down the drain.

Jesus is always with me. I just need to remember to stop and picture those fears going down the drain. I need to stop and remember that I am yoked to Him and he will carry the load.

Call Jesus Christ, that's His name, and away go troubles down the drain.........

This little light of mine....

2007-12-06T00:00:00.000-08:00

Pastor Ellen said my writing is wonderful and that I am that "light" which allows others to see God. She said I need to be like a "lighthouse" so others who need to see Jesus can do so. Pastor Ellen said I am his "beam" that allows others to see Him.

At this point I feel as though I am only a "night light", not shining very brightly. Maybe that's the best way for me to start though, since it would be kind of "blinding" to everybody with having a sudden "spotlight" shining in their eyes which would only cause them to look away while squinting their eyes.

It's probably best to start off as a dim light which will glow brighter as my faith increases. As the dimmer switch controlling the light within me gradually glows brighter and brighter, people around me will be able to "see" the difference in me, having grown closer to Jesus in a deeper relationship with him.

I think I am a "soft white" light bulb which is soothing and not so glaringly bright. Eventually I will be an "energy star incandescent light bulb" which starts out dim when first turned on but gradually get brighters with time.

In God's time I will be happy to shine His beam and be a lighthouse for Him as he calls me to do so. Pastor Ellen will help me at the "circuit breaker" and change any "blown fuses" for me in the meantime.

This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine, let it shine, let it shine, let it shine!