No Coin Toss Allowed

Before we left home two days ago there was much confusion in my mind. (MORE than usual for an ADHD me. hahahaha) In my typical impatient ADHD spoiled selfish way, I want things to happen NOW and I often want it to be MY way. My mood became very depressed. Depression is nothing new to me. It is something I am very familiar with and I don't like it.

Working on one's self takes a whole lot of effort. Many people tell me I "think too much" and they don't say it in a way that is complementary. My "thinking too much" is viewed as a flaw. Well helloooo, that's why I have so many questions! That's why I wonder why! But I know what people mean when they tell me that, because sometimes it even drives me nuts when I am not able to shut my brain off. Sigh.

When I have time to "think too much" that often leads to an all too common depressive episode which is not a good thing for an intense ADHD me. When you're "intense" you tend to experience things very DEEPLY. When I'm happy, it's more like being ecstatic! When I'm sad, it's more like I am in deep mourning. When my feelings have been hurt, it's more like "I'm wounded and I think I need to be admitted into intensive care." When I am mad, it's more like "get outta the way because the volcano will likely erupt!!" And if I get depressed, sometimes it's like "just go away and let me die." These are no exaggerations by the way. Being diagnosed as "intense" was part of the results of psychological testing I went through five years ago.

But God knit me in my mom's womb with "intensity" on purpose. Depression is something I've dealt with for most of my adult life and I have spent many hours in therapy sessions at various times over the past 27 years.

Becoming a mother in 1997 was more than my mind and emotions could take and I became severely depressed. After six years of "ruining my son" with my poor parenting skills, I sought out therapy once again but THIS time I welcomed giving medications a try. It was more like "GIVE ME SOMETHING RIGHT NOW!!" I was always WAY too stubborn to accept the doctor's prescription for an anti-depressant in years past . "I don't need medication" had always been my foolish thick-headed opinion. HA! What a jackass. hee haw.

Thank God I was also diagnosed with ADHD at that time. That came clear out from left field and was a TOTAL shock to me. For more than a year I read everything I could get my hands on and nothing other, than books about ADHD. What a shocking discovery! I thought to myself "Is MY picture on the cover of this book?"

The shock was combined with disbelief, which after more than a year turned to deep sadness and hurt. (Intensity, remember?) No wonder why school was difficult for me. No wonder why I was made to stand in the corner with tape over my mouth in second grade. No wonder why my report cards said "Suzie needs to spend less time socializing and more time on her class work."

Along with the sadness and hurt, anger soon came along. I felt so misunderstood. I felt sorry for myself for what "could have been." School took so much effort that I didn't want to try. A few people knew of my diagnosis but treated it as a joke or some kind of excuse for being forgetful or confused or having difficulties in not understanding instructions and such.

Only very recently have I become "okay" with my diagnosis. Yes, I often get very frustrated and hate when I forget what I went to the other room for. All too often, I'm going to say something and the thought fades before it can be shared. I get frustrated and sometimes very angry with myself. People who know me just laugh at me, and most of the time I am able to laugh along with them. Admittedly, sometimes my feelings are hurt.

Even my son knows me too well in saying "MOM! ADHD moment, stick to the topic at hand!" Zack made me laugh my head off in telling me that when I veered off the topic I was speaking about while driving, and said "Oooooo look at that horse!" That's the wide angeled vision God knit me with. Some call it distractibility. HA! I beg to differ!

And in getting ready for our trip up here to South Lake Tahoe, packing was a nightmare as usual. After three trips to the bedroom to get something and forgetting, I said "Oh I remember what it was now!" Zachary started telling me something when Tom interrupted with "Shhhhh, mom's trying to remember something, don't distract her." Thank God for an understanding husband and son who love me no matter what.

People who don't know me (or even those who do) don't know the hidden disability God knit me with. The unseen anxiety which goes on within. The fear of speaking and saying something impulsively and making a fool of myself. The doubts about myself which cause low self-esteem. These are just a few of my many, many, many "issues" I have to deal with.

But now with Jesus in my life, I have his support and understanding. His Father knit me in my mom's womb this way on purpose after all. I have hated it too. I haven't like who I am. I have always felt "different." Being "different" is nothing to embrace. Especially when you're Japanese. But this is who I am and this is how God "wired" my brain.

Our outlook on life is controlled by our attitude. Is the glass half-empty or is the glass half-full? Is there nothing positive to see in a negative situation? It's up to us to decide which way we want to think and live our lives. Do I choose to be happy or do I choose to be miserable? Is being knit in my mom's womb with ADHD and depression a "flaw" or is that a "gift?"

I have come to realize that being created by God in this exact way is not something I only accept but it is something I am to embrace. My "flaws" can be seen as "gifts" if I allow myself to think of them that way. Instead of saying "poor me" I can chose to say "wow, how blessed I am!" The choice is mine. And as it was clearly explained to me through reading Scripture today.....

"Everything is permissible" -- but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible" -- but not everything is constructive. Nobody should seek his own good, but the good of others." - 1 Corinthians 10:23 & 24

The choice is mine to make about how I view the way God chose to make me because everything is permissible after all. The question I need to ask myself is whether my view is constructive. Are my "flaws" really "flaws" to me?

Everything is permissible but not everything is beneficial. My "flaws" can be used as a "gift" to help others deal with similar "disabilities." I am not to seek my own good, but the good of others.

Not limiting the choice to the attitude of what I think of myself, I am also to choose the way that I view EVERYTHING. It isn't like flipping a coin. The choice is mine to make.

So, whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it for the glory of god. - 1 Corinthians 10:31